Stick with the classics

Whenever stuck for a lede, try "They say…", "On the one hand…" or "(Blank) is the new (blank)." The classics never go out of style.

There's no I in computer

Don't be afraid to throw in first-person pronouns and comments. It eases readers' fears that computers are cranking out the stories.

Give a brother an icon?

Dear Santa: we would love to get rid of this generic Twitter icon. Can you help?

No snow until winter

In early weather stories, always mention how many days away winter is. It reminds Mother Nature about what is acceptable in each season

God love the Liberals

Liberals believe it's their God-given right to govern, so don't poke fun at them unless ur ready for face time with Human Rights Commission

Hardcore curling

Readers aren't interested, but it's your duty to report on curling. Sex it up with double entendres about rocks and exclamations of rigidity

Cold enough for ya?

Not everyone realizes how cold it gets here. Be sure to highlight each temperature drop with John Q's thoughts on how his nuts are affected

World Trade what?

In decade-in-review stories, avoid alienating youth and feeble-minded by using recent events: i.e. biggest event not 9/11, but Tiger Woods

If it's not green, don't be mean

The global warming crowd promised perpetually green Christmases from here on out, so don't embarrass them if there's snow on the ground

Some things are too good to ignore

If you can fit "obedient puppet media" into your story, you owe it to your readers to do so.

Fake outrage

When Al-Qaeda acts all outraged about being blamed for a terrorist attack it says it did not commit, it's ok use LOL in the lede.

Snow flakes

When there's an unusual amount of snow and roads are closed, write as though it's the first time. Readers don't want u to spoil the illusion

Sometimes you need volume more than facts

To avoid complaints from shrill Lefties, be more concerned with volume than facts. For each person supporting the Right, find five against

Snow need to fear

It's important to maintain a constant level of snow fear. If one storm is over, be sure to add "but another one is on the way."

Easy on the left

Don't point out overzealousness of the left (Obama peace prize). When necessary, bring focus back to those "war mongering evil Republicans"

Pretend puncuation

No one knows how to use a semi-colon. Don't pretend you do. Be honest, you couldn't have two thoughts at once anyway.

Don't be a putz

It's December. It's Canada. It snows. If you are even considering a first-snow-of-the-year story, you will be nominated for a putzer prize

A good excuse for a story

Don't let mere cuts and bruises keep you from overblowing an insignificant story. If a celeb is in a fender bender, make the most of it.

Photographers: Take advantage of the law

Whenever you are stuck for a wild art photo idea, remember in Ontario it's legal to walk down the street topless.

No, it's not your Thanksgiving

Staff? ... staff? ... Fuckers are trying to pull that "I thought it was our Thanksgiving" trick again.

Take pride in your story

When you have an exclusive story, it's ok to conclude with a line for your competitors, i.e. Take that, bitches.

Don't perpetuate a lie

When someone says 'You'll save in the long run,' be sure to translate to 'This is one more thing that will screw you'

Call The Simpsons

If your stylebook still has Ottoman Empire, Siam, Kampuchea, Transjordan, Ceylon, New Spain or The Trucial States, sell it to Matt Groening.

Stateside slang

When referring to the U.S., please use sparingly: The warmer Canada; our fun uncle; Hollywood South; NASCAR-lovin fake breastsville

Everything old will be new again

Little known fact: just like flapper dresses, disco and mullets, your old stylebook will one day be current again